A letter from a recovering people pleaser.

Dear Mimi,

How have you been? I am sorry I couldn’t call or text you in the last couple of weeks. Hope your parents and siblings are doing well. How about Kitty? Is she still mourning the breakup with her tomcat, or moved on with her life? I have constantly been thinking about you but believe it or not, of late my world has become more chaotic, and messier than ever.

As you know me, I had always been a good kid - obedient and responsible. Naturally, my parents always expected me to take care of the entire household, including my siblings’ well-being. But challenges and responsibilities at the workplace and home seem to have taken a quantum leap nowadays. On top of it comes some extra responsibility of maintaining the emotional health of a few colleagues. I mean, how can I avoid it when people whom you are associated with ask for help? To be kind and nice to everybody is the principle I grew up with. Nevertheless, being nice to your boss always pays off. At the same time, being nice to my colleagues and friends gives me comfort and security from a fear of rejection. I am the peacekeeper in the group and the peacemaker too. I can’t but make effort to resolve their issues as I hate conflicts. I feel tense when the voices around me keep raising. That’s the reason the last Sunday I joined them for a brunch. The previous Sunday I couldn’t say ‘no’ to one’s birthday bash, even though I badly needed rest to recharge myself. Saying ‘no’ to them will be insensible and impolite of me, I thought. But then, after partying till late at night with already depleted energy I couldn’t get from bed the next morn.

“Stop being a people pleaser all the time, you are not doing any good to yourself or others by being that”, Mithali, our common friend, told me the other day. As you know, she is working as a therapist in many reputed hospitals in the town these days. “Wait a sec, have you just said I am a people pleaser?” “Yes, you heard it right. You are trying to please everyone around you and as a result, you have no time for yourself. The irony is despite all your effort to make everyone else happy, at the end of the day you lay inert and frustrated.’’ “Come on, I am not a people pleaser. Who doesn’t want the people around you to be happy?", I tried to defend myself, feebly. “Being kind to others doesn’t mean that you should deny yourself of all the little beautiful things you value in life including your leisure. Ask yourself why others’ approval is so important to you?”.

These little bitter-sweet words from a dear friend were a big revelation to me. In introspection, I found that in all my relationships especially with the close ones I tried too hard to ensure that they are not hurt by any of my behaviours. I offered help even if that meant trouble for me. I went the extra mile to remember their birthdays, and favourite knick-knacks and tried to remove their issues, only to realize that I failed most of the time in my effort. The veritable truth that dawned on me is that it’s not possible to make one happy forever.

I felt aghast! I was rather happy about our names having some syllabic rhyming, but never did I imagine that PIPI, as you fondly call me could be an abbreviation for a people pleaser. A terrible plotting designed by fate it seems. Jokes apart, I have started seeing things from a different perspective, thanks to her timely intervention. The need for others’ approval had so long given me a purpose in life. But over the years it dawned on me that despite all my efforts to be nice to others, there are a few who still consider me fake. I didn’t know what can make me genuine since I have almost forgotten to recognize my wants. ”Set the boundary and think about what would make you happy without compromising on anything you truly value. There will always be one or the other who won’t see your worth, but don’t let it be you.“, was her advice. Initially, I was clueless about it but I have slowly been trying to learn the tricks. One thing I have realized in this journey is that in pursuit of others’ approval if you are too hard on yourself, you satisfy none.

Lastly, I am not going to say sorry (as advised by my therapist friend) for being an emotional vampire on you. True friends are friends for life. Loads of love and hugs and all the best for your incoming project.

Yours affectionately,

Pipi